Is the most dangerous word in the world now the most important word

A few years ago I wrote an article about the most dangerous word in the world. 

The article referred to recent Neuro Science research and the effect on our brain of the word no. When the word no is flashed across the brain it causes a sudden release of stress-producing hormones and neurochemicals. This alone makes it an important word to understand at a deeper level.

The research shows how vocalising negativity, saying no, or frowning produces stress chemicals in your brain and in the listener’s brain. Furthermore, the listener will experience more anxiety which undermines cooperation and trust. 

Additionally, worrying about things in life, such as money, work, time pressures, also stimulates the release of stress hormones. Even thinking fearful thoughts or imagining them can cause the amygdala (a part of your brain) to react in the same way as if the threats were real.

The effect of saying yes too often and ignoring the important word no

However, if we fail to say no to ourselves and others in relation to requests, obligations, favours and every exciting opportunity, we have a new problem. We overcommit, and this has negative consequences in today’s society where we are already experiencing an epidemic of busyness. More people are feeling overloaded, stressed and have less time to do the things that are important outside our everyday work and family responsibilities.

Coupled with this is the fact that as humans we have a need to be liked. We are social creatures and when we say no to someone, risks being rejected or worse, ostracised from the tribe. And in the past, this could result in death. A reason why we fear the feeling of rejection so strongly and will do anything to avoid it.

“Our brains evolved for a very different world than the one in which we are living,”  Daniel Gilbert, ‘Stumbling on Happiness’

 

We need to embrace the important word no into our daily lives to prevent overload

I believe we now need to embrace the important word no in our daily lives to prevent overload, distraction and wasting time on other people’s agendas instead of living life by our terms. Firstly, learning to say no to ourselves to avoid distractions and bright shiny objects is crucial if we want to find time to work on our personal goals as well as the daily obligations. No to tasks that pull us away from doing what is important, even though they may be intriguing and interesting but income-generating. However, our brains love variety and distractions, which makes it challenging.

Secondly, we need to learn to say no to other people. However, the important word no, small as it is, and considering what it can do to your brain can be easily misunderstood. It can be difficult to say to others without them misinterpreting it or taking it personally. Furthermore, then we worry that we may offend in our response. Think back to a time when you said no to a request from a friend or work colleague. How did you feel? And what about them? Did you pick up an undertone of hurt or surprise?

When we say yes to everything we fail to accomplish what is important to us

In a recent article, I wrote about focus and how our attention span has fallen. Eight seconds is our current attention span and research has shown that the average worker is productive for only two to three hours of their working day. Social media, notifications and visual distractions delight our brain and give us instant pleasure. They pull us away from the onerous and sometimes tedious daily tasks. So we fail to accomplish much and are left feeling frustrated, dissatisfied and even trapped.

If we take note of some of the wealthiest and most successful people, they all ruthlessly stick to what is important.

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” – Warren Buffet

Still not convinced about taking that courageous step and saying no? Well, the world of work is changing faster and more drastically than at perhaps any other time in recent history. According to research from the World Economic Forum, 35% of the skills necessary to thrive in a job today will be different five years from now.

Many skills necessary to thrive five years from now must be learned and practised as they are very different than today’s skills

In research, the top skills are complex problem solving, critical thinking, creativity, people management, coordinating with others, emotional intelligence, judgment and decision making, service orientation, negotiation and cognitive flexibility.

Note that many of these skills are based on how you use your mind, how you think and what you say. If critical thinking is key, given how much “noise” there is in this digital age, how then can we sieve through huge volumes of data to establish which information is most relevant – and to make quick decisions based on this, unless we learn to prioritise and say no?

Here are my solutions, and please note they do take into account the fact that you can’t always say no to things your boss asks you to do, your spouse or a loved one!

1. Firstly, create a clear vision of what you want for your life and what you want to achieve in your career or business. This alone will help you keep focused on what is important to you and will help you say no.
2. Create clear goals and write out a simple five-step plan to achieve them. Check-in with it daily and weekly and review progress. Asking yourself ‘what was this week’s biggest time waster’ can help you ascertain what you actually did do. Is there anything you could eliminate off your to-do list and say no to?
3. Check your language. How often do you say you ‘should’ do something, or you ‘ought’ to do something and then do it begrudgingly. Ask yourself what would happen if you didn’t do it? Do you really want to do it and is it important? Take a stand and say no to things you don’t want to do and although it may shock people initially, I guarantee you will feel more empowered.
4. Know what you value. When you are living according to what you truly value and your goals match, it is easier to say no to opportunities, even if they are exciting or fun. You can always say ‘no, not now.’ This helps your brain realise it is possible but not right now.

5. Be selective with who you hang out with.

6. If you want to get healthier say no to hanging out with people who have habits that are contrary to what you want to do. Start connecting with healthier people.
7. If you consider yourself someone who has low willpower, try setting yourself some new boundaries by changing a few words. Instead of saying I can’t have this, eat this, do this, say ‘I don’t eat after 6 pm,’ or ‘I don’t eat chocolate.’ This word has way more power and energy than can’t which is ambiguous at the best of times. If you were a coeliac and someone offered you wheat bread a typical response would be  ‘I don’t eat wheat.’ Set some clear ‘no’s’ in your life.
8. Say no to being plugged into your phone. This alone will help you gain control and take charge of your focus. Furthermore, it will send a clear warning to our advertisers that you will not get addicted by that anticipatory shot of dopamine your brain craves and expects as you open up your Facebook page.
9. Take note of one of the Four Agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz. ‘Don’t take things personally.’ This helps you insulate yourself against that fear of rejection and much internal suffering.

10. If you struggle with saying no, practice.

11. Mental rehearsal helps athletes win gold over silver and actors perform flawlessly. It can help you too. The more you practice the more neural pathways you will make and the less likely your brain to run its normal pattern of releasing stress hormones with the word no.
12. And if that doesn’t do it, if you are serious about future-proofing your career or business you must definitely work on your mindset. And this includes your thinking patterns, decision-making skills and ability to prioritise. The important word no is an essential part of your tool-kit to become an influential leader. Furthermore, it will help ensure you embrace skills to innovate and thrive in an ever-changing digital-focused economy. If Steve Jobs believes in saying that important word no, I reckon that is worth taking note of, don’t you?

“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” Steve Jobs

Of course, you have obligations, but within the limits of this, you have what I call wiggle room to take back your control. Master the art of saying no to the unimportant things flying in your direction every day, so you can stay focused, claw back time and say yes to the things that really matter. Lastly, remember the important word no has deeper meaner and a flip side that has the power to be both helpful and a hinderance to your success.

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